All right, I admit it: nothing I wrote was worth the paper it was printed on. But a guyís got to make a living, and since there was no way I could hold an honest job, I had to do what anyone with the gift of gab must do: write. But what? I had to find a cause for the masses to cling to if I were to get rich on their meager wages.
I thought long and hard about devoting my pen to the temperance movement that was sweeping America. Imagine that: The Temperance Manifesto, demonstrating that the insidious oppressor of the masses was none other than the booze industry. Imagine that: calling the drinkers of the world to rise up and overthrow the all-time greatest oppressor of the powerless! I would base my argument on Hegelís genius for making the simple complicated: the thesis (oppression by the booze industry) together with the antithesis (revolution by the oppressed drinkers of the world) would create the synthesis (worldwide prohibition). What a grand vision for bringing heaven to earth!
But my sidekick Frederick Engels didnít like the idea ó for personal reasons, you understand. And since I was leeching off his capitalist income, I had to change the topic. I didnít hold out much hope for the switch to communism, but what could I do? Sure enough, just as I feared, the switch didnít do anything to fill my empty pockets. But at least it did bring my name to the fore a century later: during the heyday of the 1900s, I had only one serious rival ó a fellow German by the name of Adolf Hitler.
I can hardly recommend reading Bitarís tome. Itís about as dull as they come. Why donít you try something that will rouse you to a fever of passion and hatred, instead? You know, something like the manifesto that I wrote that tells you about a movement to save the world. Besides, if you donít catch its spirit, youíll still have to admit that it is worth a good laugh.